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aide-de-camp

An aide-de-camp is a military officer who acts as a confidential assistant to a more senior officer.

I should have joined the army. Having an assistant who acts discreetly for me sounds like a fine idea. There are just three problems with that.

First, I’m a coward of epic proportions. I’d join the army only if they promised me that I wouldn’t get posted anywhere near where there might possibly be any fighting. In fact, I’d appreciate it if they could keep me at least a thousand miles away from those sorts of places.

I also don’t want to be any closer that absolutely necessary to lethal weapons. Butter knives are OK, but that’s about it.

The second problem is that, given my personality, temperament, and lack of military strategic-thinking abilities, if I were to join the army I’d be much more likely to be made an aide-de-camp than to have an aide-de-camp assigned to me. Who the hell needs that?

The third problem is that, at time of writing, I’ve already passed the age of sixty 60 and I’ll be sneaking up on 61 in a couple of months. (Sneaking up because I’m hoping that it doesn’t notice my arrival.) Depending on when you stumble on this, I may be a few years beyond that at time of reading. At my age, I don’t think joining the military is an option unless they are looking for subjects on whom they can test the effects of new weapons.

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