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alfalfa

Alfalfa is a disease. It’s first known sufferer was Al Falfa, hence the name. Al Falfa lived in rural Missouri in the late 1800s and early 1900s. He was diagnosed with the ailment (obviously, not yet known as alfalfa) by his family doctor in 1892.

Although no one realized it in Al Falfa’s time, alfalfa is a bacterial infection. Sometime in the 1800s, a strain of cyanobacteria mutated. The result of the mutation was that the bacteria could infect human skin. Generally, the mutated form of cyanobacteria do not penetrate deeper than the outer layer of the skin because they thrive best in direct contact with free oxygen. Once this strain of cyanobacteria has infected one area of the skin it can readily spread across the entire body.

Alfalfa contagion is not airborne. Researchers believe that it can be spread only through direct, prolonged contact with the skin of someone infected with alfalfa. Therefore, if you hug an alfalfa sufferer you should make sure that your hands and any exposed areas of your arms do not come in contact with the flesh of the sufferer. Either that or you should keep your hugs brief—no more than one and a half seconds.

The same goes for kissing. To avoid infection, if you kiss an alfalfa victim your kiss should last no more than one and a half seconds. And it’s best to avoid French kissing entirely. Researchers believe that saliva speeds the transmission of the bacteria.

Alfalfa does not cause any physical impairment, nor does it shorten lifespans. It’s only known effect is to turn the color of its victims’ skin green.

It has never been confirmed by the Green Giant Company, Pillsbury (which bought the Green Giant Company) or General Mills (which bought Pillsbury), but rumor has it that a very tall alfalfa sufferer was the inspiration for the Jolly Green Giant, the mascot of the Green Giant Company.

It is also believed that the character of the Incredible Hulk was inspired by an alfalfa sufferer. Or the real Incredible Hulk might have indeed been an alfalfa sufferer.

To date, there is no known antibiotic that is effective against the cyanobacteria that causes alfalfa.

Very few people are aware of how widespread alfalfa is because most sufferers spend hours every day using expensive makeup to cover up their expanding green patches of skin.

Regrettably, many health-food advocates, also known as health-food nut jobs, recommend that you intentionally infect yourself with alfalfa. They claim that, in addition to turning green, the skin of alfalfa sufferers begin to generate a number of healthful nutrients and vitamins, without the need to consume any food, beverages or vitamin supplements. Those nutrients and vitamins are absorbed into the bloodstream through the skin, or so the health-food advocates/nut jobs say. These claims have never been proven in clinical studies. Hence, you should be wary of them.

What’s more, even if the health claims are true, you should consider the potential effect that a green body might have on your sex life. (Studies show that green skin tends to be a sexual turnoff for many people). For most people, the dubious health claims probably will not adequately compensate for rarely being able to get lucky anymore. Then again, if you weren’t able to get lucky anyway, then this might not be a concern for you. In fact, who knows? It might improve your chances with those who tend toward kinkiness.

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