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alias

Alias is the name of the god of an exceptionally obscure religion that is practiced solely in Subsaharan Africa. The religion, which goes by the name of AKA (pronounced ay-kay-ay), is practiced by only seven people and a camel. Despite their endless hours of pious practice, none of them is very good at it, except possibly the camel.

Alias is said to be a kind, benevolent and generous god, except when he is the least bit unhappy with his people, which is almost all of the time.

According to the scriptures of the AKA religion, formal worshiping of alias is supposed to occur at 7:34 a.m. and 6:42 p.m. on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays and at 6:22 a.m., 12:27 p.m., 4:42 p.m. and 8:13 p.m. on all other days. (All times are based on East African Standard Time and must be adjusted if the worshipper is in a different timezone or has switched to daylight savings time.) Prayers are also supposed to be said to alias every fifteen minutes, on the quarter hour, but worshippers can be dressed more casually while saying those prayers.

Curiously, unlike the names of the gods of most other religions, alias is usually not capitalized unless, of course, it appears at the beginning of a sentence. Even more curiously, those seven AKAians, as they are called, do not know the name of their own god. AKAians believe that the true name of their god, alias, is holy and must never be spoken, written or even thought of. Therefore, AKAians never use it and have long since forgotten that their god is called alias.

Instead, they have invented—and continue to invent—a lot of other names for their god to be used whenever they need to refer to alias. All of those other names are swear words in English, so I won’t repeat them here. I want to retain a family rating for this project.

Legend has it that the Day of Judgement and the End Times will come when, having totally forgotten that alias is the true name of God, AKAians mistakenly adopt “alias” as one of the substitute names intended to be used in place of the true name “alias.”

Because AKAians long ago forgot the true name of their god, it is only thanks to the hard work, perseverance and conscientiousness of a few dedicated charlatan anthropologists that we know that the name is alias.

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