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alkali metal

As part of its efforts to gain alliances with neighbouring tribes, in the early part of its societal development during the Metal Ages (Copper, Bronze and Iron Ages), the super-peaceful Central African Alk tribe (see alkali) offered metal trinkets as gifts—peace offerings, if you will—to prospective allies as part of the process of wooing them. These metal trinkets were called alkali metal.

This practice continued for several centuries. However, it eventually came to pass that, after graciously accepting the metal trinkets as gifts from the Alk, many of the male members of other tribes got the oh-so-clever, but not-so-peaceful idea of using any of the alkali metal gifts that had sharp edges as weapons.

They used those improvised weapons to kill male members of the Alk tribe, cut off the male Alk members’ members to make a point, steal the rest of the Alks’ stuff, and rape the female members of the Alk tribe. What’s more, it didn’t take long for these other tribes to develop what we would today call slingshots and pea shooters so they could use the metal trinkets without sharp edges as weapons too so as to not to let anything go to waste.

After being massacred almost, but not quite, to the edge of extinction, to protect their safety, the Alk abandoned the practice of giving alkali metal as gifts to people outside the tribe. Nevertheless, they never stopped trying and never abandoned hope of spreading complete, lasting, blissful peace far and wide. They were, in other words, a sublimely beautiful people despite being unfathomably naïve morons.

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