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All-rounders should be thankful that environmental groups work to protect old-growth forests. Otherwise, near-sighted loggers might mistake their thighs for the trunks of ancient redwood trees and try to cut them down. (There is no truth to the rumour that you can tell an all-rounder’s age by the rings in his or her thighs.)

Despite their weight being a handicap for locomotion, getting through doors and sleeping without collapsing the sturdiest of beds, all-rounders can easily find gainful employment. For example, beachball makers often contract them to work at trade shows. There, their bellies serve as eight to ten times life-size models of the manufacturer’s products. Garbage dumps also hire all-rounders to compact the trash by standing on it, which can more than triple the capacity of the dump.

Compassionate, animal-loving all-rounders often donate their time to a good cause. They scan the news for any reports of beached whales. When they find a report of one, they rush to the scene and lie down beside the beached whale. This way, despite the agony of its ordeal, the beached whale can die content in the knowledge that it never got that fat.

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