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allure

Allure is a planet that is relatively close to Earth. When we say “relatively close,” we are, of course, talking in astronomical terms. It’s about 10 light years away, which, for most of us, is barely only just imaginable. And it is almost entirely unimaginable when we are fully clothed.

Allure revolves around a star called Alpha Schlong. At least, that’s what the star is called by astronomers on Earth. We don’t know what it is called by creatures on allure.

Allure has the distinction of being the only planet in the universe, other than Earth, that we know for certain houses life. And it’s the only planet in the universe that we know for certain houses intelligent life.

The intelligent beings on allure always lower case the name of their planet except when it appears at the start of a sentence because they are smart enough to know that allure isn’t the least bit worthy of capitalization. (In truth, that’s just a theory of Earth-based or, as we should more appropriately say, earth-based astronomers.)

We learned that there is intelligent life on allure when, on January 17, 2014, we received a broadcast from them inviting anyone who received the message to a cocktail party to be held one month hence. The party was scheduled to last four hours. Unfortunately, because allure is 10 light years away, we received the invitation nine years and 11 months after the party started.

And it’s not as if we could have just snapped our fingers and been there. Light travels close to 150,000 times faster than our fastest manned rockets. So, even if we could travel in a straight line, without having to slingshot around any planets or stars to propel us on our journey, it would take us close to 1.5-million years to get to allure. And who knows how we could have loaded enough fuel onto the craft?

That having been said, we don’t know how fast allure rotates. As far as we know, a four hour party on allure may last for the equivalent of 10 minutes or 10 days on Earth, or some time more than, less than or between 10 minutes and 10 days. Nevertheless, unless allure barely spins at all, so that four hours is 1.5-million of our years, we—or, rather, our very, very, very distant descendants—would have been way late for even the longest of parties.

Some people thought we should have gone to allure just the same and, when our very, very, very distant descendants arrived, they should have claimed that they wanted to show up fashionably late. However, the general consensus was that 1.5-million years was a tad too late to be considered to be fashionably late, even for an LA valley girl.

Besides, the invitation said that it was a “Bring Your Own Amaieul” party. Everyone assumed that amaieul was some sort of alcoholic beverage, but they couldn’t be sure because they speak an alien language on allure. The politicians who considered the matter didn’t want to commit a social faux pas by not bringing amaieul, whatever that is.

If that all wasn’t reason enough not to go to the party, there was also another problem. If truth be told, the astronomers who detected the message weren’t entirely certain that it was indeed an invitation to a party. It was transmitted in a language that bears no resemblance whatsoever to any language spoken, written or babbled on Earth. The “invitation” could just as easily have been a declaration of war against Earth. Party or war—the astronomers recognized that there is a fine line between the two, but they decided to publicly interpret the message as a party so as to not cause a panic.

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