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almighty

The almighty is a species of flightless bird. It has wings, but lacks the muscles necessary to flap them. There is considerable speculation as to how evolution allowed the almighty’s wing muscles to disappear, without also losing the wings. The best guess is that, at some time in their evolution, members of the almighty species became too lazy to fly and natural selection favoured this conservation of energy. The thinking goes that the wings will eventually evolve out of existence if evolution ever manages to take further notice of this most inconspicuous of species.

The almighty species ranges over a minuscule area because a typical almighty has neither the strength nor the inclination to go anywhere other than where it already is. Because of their just barely existing leg muscles, almighties prefer to spend their time standing in one spot. In truth, they would prefer to spend their time sitting in one spot, but most of them wouldn’t have sufficient vigor to get up again if they did; so they usually opt to stand unless someone is around to help lift them up off the ground whenever necessary.

Frequently, almighties defend themselves against predators by entering into symbiotic relationships with other bird species and even non-bird species. For example, almighties often offer to sit on other species’ eggs for as long as it takes for them to hatch in return for protection and help getting up when the job is done.

Eating is difficult for almighties because they are too weak to chase after prey or peck for berries, seeds or insects. What’s more, their jaw muscles are so atrophied that they have trouble opening their beaks. To feed, an almighty waits for a strong wind, faces it head-on, and lets the wind pry its beak open. It then stands there until an insect flies in its mouth.

Digestion is a slow process because almighties lack muscles that allow them to swallow. They have to wait for the insect to crawl down on its own accord into the almighty’s gullet and stomach, where digestive juices are reluctantly secreted to slowly assimilate the insect. 

In short, if it weren’t such an unobtrusive and, therefore, mostly unknown bird, the almighty’s claim to fame would be that it is by far the weakest and wimpiest creature on two or more legs. In fact, it barely has the strength to stand on those legs. And, of the species that don’t walk on legs, if you were to put an almighty and, say, an anemic earthworm into a boxing ring and had them go at it, bet on the almighty only if your bookie gives you exceptionally long odds. Even then, don’t bet more than you can afford to lose.

The almighty species is of particular interest to ornithologists for two reasons:

  1. The almighty has an amazing ability to remain perfectly still for hours, sometimes even days, on end with a deeply pensive look on its face. Of course, this is simply because it lacks the strength and will to do anything else.
  2. The almighty is the only known non-human species that understands the meaning of the word irony.

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