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Alphabetical is an adjective that means “likely to place the first bet” (see alphabet).

To say that an alphabetical person is a gambling addict is like saying that the core of the sun is hot. At least, I think it’s hot, but I’ve never been there so I don’t have any first-hand knowledge. The point is that alphabetical people have a gambling problem of astronomical proportions.

It’s not that alphabetical people like to gamble. They need to gamble.

They will immediately call out bets on things that other people would never think to bet on, just so they can be the first to do so. And they always have to be the first. If someone else has already placed a bet on something, an alphabetical person will walk away and, usually within no more than 30 seconds, place a bet on something else.

You might think that their problem would make alphabetical people obnoxious, but they are some of the best sort of people to have as friends. As long as they have any money, you’ll never be poor because, to be certain of being the first to place a particular bet, they make the most outlandish of wagers.

For example, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to be walking around downtown with your alphabetical friend and hear him (women can be alphabetical too, but alphabeticalness is more common in men) say, in all seriousness, something to the effect of, “I’ll bet you even odds on a year’s worth of my salary that the 50-storey building in front of us is about to topple over, but it’s momentum will keep it going into a somersault and it will land back upright in that park over there, with the occupants suffering mostly bruises and just a few broken bones, but no deaths inside the building and only eight deaths of people outside the building, who will be crushed by the building during its somersault.”

A word of advice: You, not your alphabetical friend, are likely to win that wager. Take the bet.

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