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Altar (noun) is a revolutionary form of all-purpose tar. The word is, of course, derived from all-purpose and tar. Altar is longer-lasting, more flexible, lighter, stronger and less expensive than ordinary tar.

Altar is typically used to coat road surfaces, but it is so much more versatile than that. Altar can be used for just about any purpose, including baking. You wouldn’t want to eat any baked goods made with altar because the toxins in it would kill you, but only after the exceptionally hard cookie, or whatever, ripped the sides of most of your digestive tract to shreds on its way through. Nevertheless, your altar-based baked goods will look, if not beautiful, then certainly interesting when served. And they’ll last just about forever.

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