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Amazon is the most plentiful element in the universe. In fact, it is so ubiquitous that it is typically taken for granted and, as a result, it doesn’t appear on the periodic table.

This lack of recognition massively pisses off amazon. Acting out on their frustrations, amazon atoms tend to sulk in dark corners, making them even more difficult to find.

Another reason why amazon is not on the periodic table is that physicists couldn’t figure out where to put it on the table. To cut short the rancorous and sometimes violent debate about where it belongs, physicists at an international physics conference decided to leave it off the periodic table completely.

This decision was taken after several post-session drinks at the bar in the conference hotel. None of the attending physicists admit to having any recollection of that discussion or of a vote being taken, but their signatures were all on the document. Then again, their handwriting was all but illegible and there were numerous drinks spilled on the page.

The reason the physicists found it so hard—actually, impossible—to place amazon on the periodic table is that the amazon atom behaves completely out of character for atoms. It’s a very socially progressive atom that feels that protons and electrons shouldn’t be abused and overworked.

From September through June, inclusive, amazon usually has two protons and its uncharged atom has two electrons. During those times it is almost exactly like helium, but with much less of a sense of humour. Amazon atoms that have been charged, particularly when they are charged on Visa or MasterCard, can have anywhere from zero to 42 electrons.

In July, one of the protons and one of the electrons go off on holidays. In August, the other proton and electron take a vacation. Thus, in July and August an uncharged amazon atom has one electron and one proton, like hydrogen.

On statutory holidays—every statutory holiday, everywhere in the world—both of the protons and electrons in amazon atoms take the day off, causing amazon atoms to disappear. This is threatening to cause a significant problem.

While plentiful in the universe, amazon atoms are rare on Earth. That’s the good news. However, this is changing. By some as of yet unexplained physical reaction with theta particles—or maybe it’s beta particles, it’s hard to tell the difference without good lighting and a powerful microscope—the number of amazon atoms here on Earth is growing.

What’s especially troubling is that amazon atoms have an affinity for bricks and mortar. It’s feared that when the  amazon atoms reach a critical number, the fluctuating and disappearing nature of amazon may cause bricks and mortar to vanish completely.

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