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Damn ambidextrous. Unlike most words that The Words Project has tackled lately, ambidextrous has two independent meanings, one a noun and one an adjective. This means that we have twice as much work to do in this entry. Like we said, damn ambidextrous!

1. Ambidextrous (noun) is a chemical compound that is often used as a food additive. You can find it (or, rather, not find it; see below) in breakfast cereals, breads, inorganic health foods, frozen dinners and ready-made desserts.

Three things make ambidextrous unique. First, it is ridiculously inexpensive when bought in large volumes, which explains its ubiquitousness in for-profit “food” manufacturing. Second, it can deliver either of two tastes—sweet or savory—equally well depending on the proportions and, particularly, the advertising-induced brainwashing of the consumer. And, third, it is completely undetectable by any current tests, which is how food producers can get away with not placing it on the ingredients label, which would, rightly, scare off consumers.

(Despite the farcical nature of this “dictionary,” we expect rabid conspiracy theorists to launch a vigorous investigation of and fight against the use of ambidextrous in 5, 4, 3 …

2. Ambidextrous (adjective) means able to masturbate equally well with either hand. Enough said. There may be children reading this.

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