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An ambient (noun) is a being from the planet Ambi, which circles a middling star in the Triangulum Galaxy. You may be interested to learn that Ambi occupies a point in the Triangulum Galaxy roughly analogous to the position Earth occupies in the Milky Way Galaxy, i.e., far out on one of the arms of the spiral galaxy. OK. Maybe you aren’t interested in learning that, but we’re trying to fill some space here.

Considering that the two species evolved independently, ambients and humans are remarkably similar, although there are some notable differences.

First, ambients are much more intelligent than humans, but that’s not saying much.

In addition, the ambient digestive system is contained entirely in something that sits on their shoulders and looks remarkably like our heads except there are no eyes on it. Ambients have a mouth like ours, but it is used for not only ingestion, but also urination and defecation. This can get embarrassingly messy if ambients aren’t careful, but it allows them to perform highly efficient nutritional recycling to ensure that no nutrients go to waste.

The ambient mouth is not used for speaking—we’ll get to speaking in a moment—because it obviously has too much else to do. Besides, it’s frequently full of shit. So, at least it has that in common with many human minds and mouths.

Ambients’ brains are in what on humans is our butts. Their vocal cords—we said we’d get to speaking in a moment and here we are—are where we have our sphincter muscles and ambients speak through what we would refer to as the anus on our anatomy. So, the ambients have, in a manner of speaking, talking out of their asses in common with humans.

Ambients have only one eye. It is located where we have our bellybutton. Having only one eye makes it difficult for ambients to judge distances. Consequently, they accidentally bump into other ambients very frequently. At least, that’s their story. However, it’s interesting to note that it’s usually male ambients who bump into female ambients. And studies have shown that, by a statistically significant margin—a very statistically significant margin—female ambients with large breasts tend to get bumped into much more frequently than flat-chested ambients. Go figure.

Ambients have three legs, rather than two. They are arranged in a triangle. Like our two legs, their three legs are attached below their torso. This arrangement of three legs gives ambients greater stability than humans. This helps ambients to continue standing upright when they are drunk or stoned, which they are most of the time.

Ambients also have three arms. Two of them are very similar to ours and are attached on either side of their shoulders, just like ours are. Their third arm is much shorter and mounted immediately above their genitals, which are in the same location as they are on humans. Ambients use this third arm and hand strictly for masturbation, which they do most of the time. This is true of both male and female ambients.

The rest of the ambients’ body features are almost identical to humans, but they tend to look much better in leisure suits and spandex than we do.

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