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Psychiatrists are, unfortunately, all too familiar with the term ammonia. It means “the inability to say the word kumquat in mixed company.” Ammonia sufferers would also be familiar with the term ammonia if they bothered to crack open a psychiatric dictionary/textbook once in a while. But do they? No. They’d rather suffer in ignorance. There’s no accounting for some people.

Fortunately, kumquats are not that well-known or popular a fruit, so ammonia isn’t often a problem for its sufferers. However, ammonia suffers should be wary of going to fancy restaurants with adventurous or innovative menus on a first date. The perspiration that will break out, the cracking of their voices, and their inability to get out the word “kumquat” in a discussion of the menu will likely result in there not being a second date, no matter how compatible the couple might otherwise be.

There is no known sure-fire treatment for ammonia. Some psychiatrists claim to have had some success using “gradual inducement” therapy. In this course of therapy, psychiatrists gradually introduce kumquats into the patients’ diets. As exposure increases, patients are encouraged to discuss the foods they are eating—first by talking to themselves while dining alone, then by talking to themselves aloud when dining with members of the same sex and then finally, with members of the opposite sex. This treatment has, however, been discredited as of late due to insufficient supplies of kumquats and a reluctance on the part of patients to pay the enormous price markups that psychiatrists demand for the kumquats they use in the treatments.

There are a couple of interesting exceptions to the characteristics of ammonia. While ammonia sufferers in the heterosexual population can’t say kumquat in mixed company, gay and lesbian ammonia suffers can’t say kumquat in the presence of people of the same sex. This provides further evidence that homosexuality is something you are, not something you choose. That is to say that homosexuality is something you are if you are, indeed, homosexual. I’m not suggesting that you are homosexual if you are not—not that there is anything wrong with it if you are.

Lets end this entry on ammonia right now, shall we? We don’t want to get ourselves into any more trouble than we’ve already gotten ourselves into.

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