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amnesty

Amnesty is the rarest—and undoubtedly the weirdest—grain on the planet. (When we say “planet,” we obviously mean Earth. We have no idea if amnesty exists on any other planet and, if so, how common it is there and whether it is any less weird there.)

Amnesty was discovered by a farmer who was in the process of burning down a portion of the Amazon rainforest to clear a large patch of it for his illicit farming activities. Just as he was about to douse the ground with kerosene and light a match, he spotted a few stalks of amnesty growing there despite the perpetual darkness on the floor of the dense forest.

The amnesty plants looked unusual and interesting to him, so he carefully dug them up with the intent of attempting to cultivate them in the deep shade of a mansion that he planned to build in the middle of his new fields in the soon to be former rainforest.

Despite being a grain, amnesty has a taste of chicken cooked in a Schezuan peanut sauce, with just a hint of mahogany and orchid overtones. We know this from the descriptions provided by the few people who have eaten it and lived long enough to offer culinary critiques of it. Most of the people who try it don’t live that long, even if they chomp down upon it amongst friends.

The deadliness of amnesty does not result from poisonous qualities. In the standard definition of the word “poison,” amnesty is not poisonous in the least. What makes amnesty lethal is the characteristic that also makes it the weirdest grain on Earth.

By a phenomenon that no scientist has yet been able to discover and would certainly not be able to explain if he or she did discover it, the fibre content of amnesty is equal to 8.42 times its weight. This is not just next to impossible, it is several thousand kilometres on the other side of impossible. In fact, amnesty makes an utter mockery of the word impossible, and impossible is not at all happy about that.

This characteristic of having more fibre than is possible by any known law of physics—and even by several serious infractions of the laws of physics—is what makes amnesty so deadly. If you eat too much of it—too much being more than a handful of grains, assuming you have particularly small hands—you, in an equally impossible reaction, will soon defecate considerably more than your own body weight. When your doctor tells you to eat more fibre so you’ll be more regular, he or she is undoubtedly not thinking of amnesty.

There is no other way to put it. If you eat too much amnesty, you will quickly defecate yourself to death. Sorry. That’s not quite true. There is another way to put it, but if we put it that way we might lose our family-friendly rating.

This effect of amnesty has worried governments around the globe and, as a result, they have done their best to conceal all knowledge of amnesty. It is feared that if the diet pill industry learns of amnesty, they’ll be all over it. Then, when people consume too much amnesty and, as a result, defecate more than their own body weight, the result will be that all matter will eventually be defecated out of the universe, leaving only antimatter. Either that or matter will increase so greatly through the excess defecation that the increased gravitational field will create a black whole that sucks in the entire universe.

No one is quite sure which result would occur—the evacuation of all universal matter or the black hole of defecation—but scientists and politicians alike think that, despite the fact that both results would cause the elimination of all reality TV shows and all-star wrestling, either result would be a negative thing for the world, humanity and the politicians’ electoral prospects.

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