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amperage

An amperage (noun) is a super-charged peerage. Instead of being called “Sir” or “Dame,” as is common for many types of peerages, someone who is granted an amperage is entitled to be called “Your Super-High Royal Being-ness.” This being a rather long, cumbersome and embarrassing title to say, rather than using it, most people will cross the street when they see someone with an amperage approaching. When ampers (as people who have been given amperages are called) go to parties, those parties to be rather small, attended only by people who have received amperages.

New amperages are typically announced and awarded at elegant, large, formal balls with an open bar. (The open bar is not absolutely required. In tough economic times, the government awarding the amperage is allowed to substitute a cash bar. However, whether open or cash, there must be a well-stocked bar.)

Anyone who hopes to ever be granted an amperage in the future is expected to attend these balls as a condition of being awarded an amperage. That’s the only way that the ball organizers can fill out the attendance list.

Someone who has received an amperage typically becomes so snotty that stocks in companies making facial tissues soar whenever an amperage is announced.

In addition to being allowed to insist people refer to them as Your Super-High Royal Being-ness, people who receive an amperage are also given a lovely medallion made of a lead/tin alloy. Whenever they are out in public, ampers are expected to wear their medallions either on a chain around their necks or pinned to a jacket, shirt or blouse in a visible location. This allows others to recognize people with an amperage and take all necessary steps to avoid them.

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