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Amphibian (noun) is a colourless, odorless, chemically inert, nutrition-free food additive that was developed by the food industry. It is promoted with the insinuation that it is a health-food, without ever explicitly making that claim. Food manufacturers developed amphibian so they could print things like, “Now With Added Amphibian,” “Provides 100% of Your Daily Amphibian Requirement,” and “Amphibian Never Tasted So Good” on their labels.

Because of it’s perceived (wink, wink; nudge, nudge; say no more, say no more) healthful benefits, foods that include added amphibian sell for anywhere from 35 percent to 125 percent more than equivalent foods without any added amphibian. Of course, if the food doesn’t contain any added amphibian, it doesn’t contain any amphibian at all because nature wouldn’t be caught dead in the presence of, or even in the general vicinity of, this fabricated food additive.

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