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An analogue (noun) is a stool with specific characteristics. To be clear, when we say “stool,” we are not talking about something you sit on, but rather something that comes out when you defecate.

Of course, if you like to sit on your feces, then it would be something you sit on and you would be a weirdo of epic proportions. Really. Seek professional help because that’s just sick.

To be specific, an analogue is a stool that is fairly round, relatively wide and long, solidified and, therefore, quite stiff. Note, to be considered to be an analogue, the feces must possess all of these traits, including the “quite stiff” part, at the time it exits the colon—it can’t simply stiffen some time later to be considered an analogue. Note also, that this can make defecating an analogue quite painful. It happens, although fortunately not often.

Because analogues just happen, without warning, the only thing you can do to help to ensure that you you will never defecate one is to take stool softeners religiously. Well, maybe not religiously; god doesn’t give a crap about your crap. What we meant to say was, not religiously, but regularly. Or, rather, that is to say, take them daily to stay regular. Oh, hell. never mind.

(VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: If you’re having a medical problem, consult your doctor. Don’t listen to us. Don’t take any medications we recommend that you take. We’re making this nonsense up. We don’t have a clue. You’ve been warned.)

The mottled texture of a typical analogue can make it look like a log from a not-too-ancient crack willow (Salix fragilis) tree. This is how the word analogue was derived. It’s “anal” with “log” smashed together. The “ue” was added to the end to make it sound more effete and, therefore, take some of the edge off because it is, after all, crap we’re talking about here.

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