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An anarchy (noun) is the rarest animal you’ll never see. And, no, “never see” is not a typo. You honestly will almost certainly never see an anarchy. The reason is simple. There are no anarchies alive today. There never have been any living anarchies. In all likelihood, there never will be any living, dead or undead anarchies. You can’t get any rarer than that, now can you?

An anarchy is the hypothetical, archetypical, perfect mammal that would exist if there were a god. It is a fanciful invention of scientists’ minds.

A god-designed anarchy has four legs to provide greater stability than the human species’ two. Walking on four, rather than two legs also means that an anarchy doesn’t have to dedicate as much brainpower to simply maintaining its balance as is the case with humans.


In addition to its four legs, an anarchy also has four arms—two mounted on its front shoulders and two on its hind hips. The arms are attached to the rest of the anarchy’s body with ball joints. The anarchy’s elbows are also true ball joints. All of these joints have a great many more degrees of freedom than is the case for any human joints.

Needless to say, anarchies never get arthritis in any of their joints. That would just be ridiculous for a god-designed creature.

All of an anarchy’s arms have hands with opposable thumbs. In fact, each hand has four fingers and not one, but two opposable thumbs for greater flexibility. All anarchies are ambidextrous times two—i.e., they can use all four arms and hands equally well.


Anarchies’ mouths are where you would expect them to be based on modern mammal body structures, i.e., on their faces. However, their mouths are used only for eating. Well, in fact, not just eating. Their mouths are also used for smiling, which is something that a perfectly designed animal would do a lot of, unlike rational humans who recognize the major imperfections of their anatomies and their lives and are justifiably pissed off about the injustice of that.

Anarchies have a second hole on their backs that is used for breathing. There is a short windpipe between this hole and an anarchy’s lungs. An anarchy’s windpipe and esophagus are completely separate, making it impossible for an anarchy to choke on its food.

An anarchy’s fur is matted over its breathing hole to create a natural, effective air filter. Anarchies prefer to live in dry areas with lots of things to brush up against as this creates static electricity in its fur. The electrical charge serves to further purify the air that anarchies breathe, allowing them to maintain excellent respiratory function even when they must live among other species, such as humans, that have a penchant for fouling the air.

The anus of an anarchy is located in about the same location as it is on most four-legged mammals. However, its sex organs are not in the normal location. Rather than being adjacent to the anus at the juncture of the two hind legs, such as in most other mammals, an anarchy’s sexual organs are located in the middle of its chest. The reason for this is clear. As the Robin Williams character in the film Man of the Year, Tom Hobbs, said, an intelligent design would not put “a waste processing plant next to a recreation area.”

Human eyes are wired backward, with the nerves that take signals from the eyes to the brain attached to the front of the eye and directed outward. In humans, those nerves then head to the brain through a small area in the retina without any rods or cones called the optic disc. This creates a small blind spot that our brains must compensate for.

An anarchy, on the other hand, has its eyes wired correctly. Nerves are attached to the back, not the front of the eye. From there, the nerves attach directly to the visual processing nodes of an anarchy’s brain, which is immediately adjacent to the eye. This avoids the blindspot that humans have, while also creating a shorter path for nerve signals to travel, thereby reducing the time before the brain receives them.

An anarchy has eight eyes—two front, two back and two on each side. This provides the anarchy with full 360-degree, stereoscopic vision at all times, without the need to swivel its head. Each eye is wired identically and has a visual processing node of the brain adjacent to it. There is also a central visual processing node at the center of an anarchy’s brain. This central visual processing node combines preprocessed signals from the eight individual eye visual processing nodes to create a complete view, with a high range of depth-perception, of the anarchy’s surroundings.

Anarchies have four ears, one on each side, one on its forehead and one on the back of its head. This arrangement allows it to hear sounds originating in any direction equally. The auditory processing areas of the brain have a similar relationship to the ears as visual processing areas of the brain have to the eyes. There are four of them, one adjacent to each ear, plus a central processing node that combines preprocessed auditory information received from all four.

Skin and Fur

Anarchies grow and shed fur very quickly. It grows fur when the weather cools. The colder it gets, the denser and longer the fur grows to efficiently retain the anarchist’s body heat. When the weather warms up, an anarchy sheds its fur. On the hottest of days, the then bare skin exudes an opaque, shiny liquid. This shininess reflects the sun’s rays. Between this reflection and the cooling effect of the evaporation of the liquid, an anarchy remains comfortable no matter how high the ambient temperature may be.


Many philosophers have used the mental exercise of the anarchy as proof that God does not exist. They argue that if a god did exist something along the lines of the perfectly designed anarchy would also exist rather than the inferiorly constructed animals that we have on Earth today. This, of course, is total nonsense. There is enough other evidence of the nonexistence of God that they shouldn’t waste their time on such frivolous foolishness. Then again, you know what they say: Philosophers will be philosophers. At least it keeps them off the streets.

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