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Androgynous is an adjective that, when used properly, applies only to highly processed foods. An androgynous food has at least three, and possibly more, ingredients that are completely unpronounceable by all but the mad scientists who coined their names.

Most nutritionists advise against consuming large quantities of androgynous foods. Most health food advocates advise against eating even small quantities of them. And members of New Age cults that demand that their members consume only organic, all-natural substances will not allow their adherents to come within three miles of an androgynous food.

Be that as it may, to be on the safe side, if you buy a tub of, say, margarine at a store with a “no returns” policy and you don’t bother to read the label until you get home and only then see that it contains more than a half dozen unpronounceable ingredients, you would be well advised to:

  • Don a hazardous materials protection suit.
  • Gingerly take the unopened tub and a large quantity of a strong bleach to a toxic waste dump.
  • Dump out the contents.
  • Thoroughly soak the tub in fresh bleach at least six times.
  • Remove the hazardous materials protection suit and discard it at the dump.
  • So as not to have totally wasted you’re money, you can then take a risk and employ the tub to store paper clips that you’re not likely to ever want to use.

The adjective androgynous can also be applied to people, but in that case it is being used as a metaphor rather intended to be taken literally. To say that someone is androgynous means that he or she regularly consumes (by ingestion, injection and/or combustion) a wide variety of typically illegal chemicals that, if they didn’t have cute street names, would be unpronounceable by most people, particularly after consuming those chemicals.

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