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Framed Artist's Rendering of Angel

Framed Artist’s Rendering of Angel

Angel is a scientific term. It describes any roughly jelly-like substance that has absolutely no defining characteristics of any kind other than being vaguely—very vaguely—jelly-like. And when we say “vaguely,” we mean that in a “no way whatsoever” sense.

To say that it was transparent would be to overstate transparency.

If you saw a pool of angel and had to describe it to a close family member or trusted friend, the best you could do would be some variation of the following:

“It’s a pool of, well, you know, er, um, sort of, like, er, well, um, you know, kind of, sort of, something roughly, vaguely, you know, jelly-like, but with much less definition.”

If pressed for a more precise description, you might reach for a dictionary and thesaurus, concentrate your brain on the task for a few hours, marshall all of your highest rhetorical skills and then pedantically announce, “fuck off and die!”

Angel exists in a natural state in the wild. Or, if not the wild, then possibly in a tame place far from the madding crowd. But definitely someplace. At least, that’s the theory. Despite the expenditure of hundreds of millions of dollars worth of university and government research grants, no scientist has ever located any naturally occurring angel pools. Nor any unnaturally occurring pools, for that matter.

That’s not for the lack of trying. Not at all. Some research professors have devoted entire careers to hunting it.

The problem is that, being completely nondescript, it blends into the background. Of everything. If you could find any angel and mould it into a garment, it would be the perfect camouflage. Consequently, the military has spent one hell of a lot of time and money trying to find the stuff, to no avail.

Thousands of civil servants have also gone on expensive expeditions looking for angel. They long to be able to use it to slack off without being seen. No civil servant is willing to go on record, or off the record either, to confirm nor deny whether the civil service has been able to secure any supplies.

Angel Depiction

Because it can’t be found by anyone who is willing to admit finding it, angel has never been photographed in its natural state. However, a highly skilled illustrator consulted for months with scientists and, based on its properties as listed by the scientists, produced the artist’s rendering of a pool of angel that appears on this page.

Scientists who have evaluated this depiction widely agree that it gives angel more depth than it deserves. However, it is important to note that they are speaking only of the macro, molecular and atomic levels, not the sub-atomic level.

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